Totally Stupid Gifts

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of lifes mysteries is how a 2lb box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lb!

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice bit about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing - someone else does!!!!

The older you get, the tougher it is to loose weight, because by then, you're body and fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday - along came today!

Sometimes I think I understand everything - then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers

Amazing - you hang something in your wardrobe for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!!!!

Skinny people irritate me!
Especially when they say things like "You know, sometimes I forget to eat". Now... I've forgotten my address, my mothers maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!!!!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids and doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but i did hear from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the 6 o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen witch......... do and die!"

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him!!!!!!!!!

I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: Eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding - thats my idea of a perfect day!!!